When my Bariatric surgeon told me that the appropriate weight for my BMI was 125lbs… My immediate response was, “real Black people do not weigh 125.” I glared at him with righteous indignation and dared him to push the issue.
He did not.
Today, I was looking at pictures of Jennifer Hudson who has proudly displayed a significant amount of weight loss and I found that she wears a size 8.
Jennifer Hudson covers Manhattan Magazine
I decided this was a nice look and I want to try it out.
<—– OH YEAH!!!!!
In order for me to wear a size 8 at almost 5″3′, (Hey, hey…don’t judge me. Great things come in little packages! Don’t start nothing and there won’t be nothing.) I would have to drop down to 125lbs (irony).
That requires a loss of 220lbs.
Immediately I said, “that is skinny as hell”. I began discussing with myself why 125lbs was not appropriate. I don’t want to look sickly. I don’t want my family to stage an intervention for me because they believe I have turned to drug use. I don’t want to look like I am waiting to star in one of the Ethiopian please send money NOW commercials!
Sighs…then I began to realize that these were nothing more than excuses to hold onto a mindset and perception that has not remotely worked for me.
125lbs is not sickly…it is healthy.
But the concept scares me. It scares me because 125lbs is not familiar to me. Newsflash: What is familiar to me has bought me to this point!
Then evasion disguised as fear crept in….
I begin to worry about how my family and friends will feel about such a significant amount of weight loss.
I begin to anticipate being seen as “sickly” looking and deemed a “skinny b*$ch”.
I grew concerned that I may gain looks of disapproval from my fellow big women and men who may perceive my size as a type of condemnation.
I wonder if the same way I look at skinny people and snarl and snare are the same looks that will befall me.
I wonder if I tell fellow plus sized individuals that their struggle was once my own and that I only achieved this size due to my “tool” and a determination to change if they will understand or just hear justification and an attempt to belittle.
I secretly wonder if I too will begin to look at overweight people as an eyesore. If my if I can do it, you can too attitude will now turn into a form of judgment. Of disapproval. Of damnation. Of Pity. Of Woe.
I wonder if my obsessive need to be nice will fade away because I no longer have to apologize and explain with my eyes. Because I am no longer instantly deemed pathetic, disgusting and unhealthy even though none of these are accurate.
I wonder if my need to prove that I am a good person despite my physical choices will finally dissolve.
I wonder if my head will tear off it’s perch from finally being able to lift.
I wonder if I will finally be satisfied with taking care of myself and I can put away my cat lady shawl.
I wonder if I will begin to toss around the words: obesity, overweight, curvy, thick, plus size and size acceptance like grotesque obscenities.
Oh silly rabbit, Tricks are for kids….
I…must boldly step out onto the horizon of new beginnings.
I…must come to a place of acceptance and understand that I cannot worry about what may or may not be.
Too much of my life has been spent living in the shadows afraid of the joy of life.
Too much of my life has been spent avoiding the eyes of people because I was not ready to read what may lie there.
Too much of my life has been spent holding onto desperation.
Too much of my life has been spent grasping onto antiquated concepts constructed by those who had no goals, no vision, no success and no desire to go beyond the small world they could see with their limited tainted vision.
Life is for the living and it is NOT a spectator sport.
Just A Breath Of Fresh Air 