The World of the Real….

As reality begins to wrap itself snugly around my mind.  I joined a WLS (weight loss surgery) group so I can talk with people who have experience what  I am going through and tell me the good, the bad and the ugly.

I will admit, I thought I was gansta.  I knew in my mind that after the surgery, I was going to be eating smaller portions. 

What I didn’t know was that my definition of small and the reality of what small really means where TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

As I scrolled through the messages, people in the group often post pictures of what they have eaten as part of their food diary or to encourage other members or give people ideas….

I, personally, was traumatized!!!!

Let me give you an example.

Caution: The following images are graphic in nature.

Um, Are you about to feed an injured bird?  Is that plate for a small toddler?

Er…Is grandma coming over for dinner and that’s HER plate?

Now let me blow your mind, It is going to take me A FULL YEAR to work UP TO being able to eat that much food.

*queues a moment of silence….

???? That much food?!?!?!?

Somebody is OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED!

I mean seriously…When I contemplated small portions, my mind said ok so you will be having one chicken thigh, vegetables etc….

Now the truth has come crashing down….

I was the one who was OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED!

Lawd….what in the world have I gotten myself into? 

I just want to be completely honest at this point.  My body and fat have a COMPLETE attitude.  My body and fat have began to revolt already.  I AM SO HUNGRY.  Fortunately, I understand that it is head hunger and not real hunger.  So I am not moved.  My body and fat have said some very inappropriate things to me now that I have a visual of what life is about to be like.  Eventually.

This is the beginning of the test.  Am I really ready?  Am I really ready to put food in it’s appropriate place?  Do I really understand that food is a source of nourishment and not a form of entertainment?  Or am I all talk?

The Gastric Bypass Surgery is simply a tool.  Statistics show that people who do not understand that this is not a diet but instead a lifestyle change will ultimately gain the weight back. 

I understand that change starts in the mind.  The pictures that I posted are not for you (sorry) they are so that I can wrap my mind around it. They say repetition is the mother of all learning.  I know that just as bad habits take time and effort to form so do good ones. 

Honestly, talking the talk is one thing.  Walking the walk is something completely different.  I am determined that my weight is no longer going to control me.  Food is no longer going to be the master of my existence.  Food is not the enemy.  My inappropriate use is the enemy.  My overindulgence is the enemy.  My stinkin thinkin is the enemy.As I understand that food is not a problem solver or a go to man, I sit on the brink of the real face of change.  Everything up to this point has been a mock simulation.  Now I get to test my moxie and put my money where my mouth is. 

This is still a choice.  Do I chose reformation or stay with my addiction?  Like any addict standing on the edge of a blade, teter tottering between life and death…I feel the warming comfort of the familiar and I feel the fear of radical change.  I see the benefits and liabilities of both.  My heart pulses and my blood races as I honestly and objectively consider what is about to happen.  This is not a decision to be taken lightly.  Anything worth having requires effort.  This is the brink of a new chapter in my life.  Consistency has always been a problem for me when it comes to matters of importance.  It is instinctual for me to run. 

That was then and this is now.

Now I must commit.  Now I must endure.  Now I must succeed.  I must regain balance.  I must change. 

I am not saying good bye to food because I need food in order to survive.  I am saying good-bye to my detrimental behaviors.  I am saying good-bye to a lifetime of hiding.  I am saying good-bye to putting a band-aid on cancer.  I am saying good-bye to excuses.  I am saying good-bye to counter productive behaviors.  I am saying good-bye to being less than I know I can be.

One of my favorite quotes is in order to success, simply act as though it is impossible to fail.   Another is Insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different results.  Both quotations have never rang truer to me than now. 

In the words of Morpheus from the Matrix, “Welcome…to the real world….”

It’s Official

I called Keystone First (formally Keystone Mercy) yesterday at 10am.  I spoke to a young lady and informed her that my surgeon Dr. David Wernsing put in a request for gastric bypass surgery and I wanted to know where they stood in the decision making process.

She gathered some information from me and placed me one hold.  It seemed like it was forever.  I sat at my laptop holding the phone like a young child awaiting Christmas morning.  I checked my Facebook, my emails and attempted to play Candy Crush Saga but my brain would not settle.  Finally, she came back on the phone and stated that they had received the request and it was in review and still pending.  She stated that I could call back later before 5pm and I would have an answer.

My stomach immediately began fluttering.  So close but so far. 

What if they denied me? What if I have gotten myself so worked up and excited and started reshaping my attitude and perception only for them to say no?

Maybe I should research how to appeal and get my arguments in order.

The rest of the day was a blur.  I remember doing things but I couldn’t really tell you what. 

Then four o’clock came.  And the internal debate began. 

Ok, I’m going to call.

But what if they say no?

Imma call…Imma call…

I don’t want to hear them tell me no.

Imma call…Imma call…..

This literally went on for 20 minutes. 

Then my phone rang. It was a number that I didn’t recognize.

I answered and heard these magical words:

“This is so & so from Keystone First.  May I speak to so & so? (This is she) We have received a request from Dr. David Wernsing for gastric bypass surgery and the request has been approved.”

I stopped breathing.  I thanked the woman for her call and simply sat for a moment.  My ears heard what the woman said but my mind was just plain stuck. 

It is still stuck a whole 16 hours later.

I mean don’t get me wrong. I am excited. I am ecstatic.  But I just can’t believe it.  This is the first major step I have taken for myself in years.  This is the first major and serious attempt I have made at losing the weight and keeping it off. 

If I can be honest, a part of me didn’t believe it was going to happen.  A part of me feels I don’t deserve this.  A part of me feels that I have been this size for so long that I should just accept my fate and continue the way I have been.

Don’t worry, I am smothering that side of me as we speak!  Death to all disbelievers!

Even as I write this post, my mind is struggling.  My weight has been an issue since the birth of my first child at the age of 17.  My oldest daughter is now 17.  My weight has varied from mildly overweight to morbidly obese for 17 full years.  That is a long time to deal with any issue.  Especially one surrounded by emotional and mental turmoil.

There is so much I want to do.  There is so much I will be able to do. 

There is so much I will never do again.

With this new step, I will never allow my issues to sit and grow.  I will stop pushing my issues to the side and ignoring them.  I will stop sitting by the sidelines and watch life go by.  I will use the gifts and talents that I have been given.  I will exercise.  I will understand that life is a gift and I will treasure it.  I understand that my body is the only home that I have while on this earth and in order for it to take care of me, I MUST take care of it.  I will find another coping mechanism.  Food is for nutrition only! 

I am thankful for this new opportunity.  I am extremely thankful that I am still at a decent age.  I am 34 and have plenty of time ahead of me to accomplish things.  Not that ages is a factor because I have heard of people in there 50’s, 60’s and even 70’s who take this step and begin to live again.

My mind is spinning. 

Being overweight is a choice.  One that I comfortably resided in for 17 years.  I am neither judge nor jury.  Everything has a time and a season.  I learned what it is like to be judged based on what you look like.  I learned what intolerance feels like.  I know the ugly side of discrimination.  I learned what it is like for people not to want to deal with you because of excess weight.  I have learned who my real friends are.  I have learned the value of friendship.  I have learned that friendship can’t be bought.  I have learned that change requires commitment.  I have learned that anything worth having requires effort.  Success isn’t going to find you, you have to work diligently for it.  The Creator is not Santa Claus. He doesn’t one day come by with success gift wrapped and drop it off in your lap. 

He gives you skills, talents and time. 

The rest is up to you.